Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Chapter 41

It was such a nice May day that Tricia had to ask herself just why she seemed to be in such a bad mood. She knew that answer but she was wondering if maybe everybody was right and she just had to get over it. Certainly, she thought, Matty didn’t deserve her being gloomy. He’d asked earlier if Tricia would go out and play with him and she’d put him off. She imagined he’d been disappointed although in typical fashion for him he didn’t really show it.

Tricia snorted, thinking that she pouted worse than her six year old son did. A fine state of affairs. The phone rang and she answered it impatiently.

“Uh oh, I think I got you at a bad time,” Tricia heard her friend Kerrie say on the other end of the phone.

“No I’m just feeling grumpy with the world. It’s no worse a time than any other,” Tricia told her. “And having said that you probably wish you had not called. I’m sorry.”

“You’re entitled to be grumpy.”

“Well thank you. Everybody else has just told me to get over it pretty much.”

“I’m not gonna let you wallow in it,” Kerrie said in her usual perky way. “On the other hand grumpy, like shit, happens. Frequently they happen together. Anything you want to talk about?”

“Talking about it seems to make it worse,” Tricia said. “Everybody just tells me that I need to accept things.”

“Everybody doesn’t cuz I haven’t,” Kerrie pointed out.

Tricia could imagine her grin as she said it and smiled in spite of herself. “You’re right and the best way to keep you from telling me that too is to not talk about it probably.”

“Well if you’re that sure you’re wrong then you should just get over it but since you haven’t talked to me about it I wouldn’t know,” Kerrie blurted out in the way she sometimes did. When she had something on her mind she tended to talk fast like that. “I think it would help you to get out. Have you looked outside? It’s gorgeous! Why don’t you and Matty meet me and Walker at the park. I’ll even bring a picnic lunch.”

“You don’t need to go to that trouble,” Tricia said, hoping to get out of it. She didn’t want to go even though she knew she should.

“Too late. I already made it up.” Kerrie said.

“You already made up a picnic lunch for all of us?” Tricia asked, unable to keep from smiling. Kerrie was a frequent source of amusement to her.

“Well if you couldn’t make it then I’d have an extra lunch for Walker and me.”

“And where is Jason?” Tricia asked then remembered. “I forget sometimes they are so far apart in ages. Jason is in school.”

“Actually Jason is on that trip to Philly for the school band.” Kerrie reminded her.

“Oh yeah,” Tricia said, now really remembering. “You and Walker have the whole week together alone.”

“Yeah, next year Walker starts school and I’m going to miss having him around, most of the time anyway.”

“I know what you mean. At least you know what to expect since you’ve done it once before.”

“You’ll be fine,” Kerrie reassured Tricia knowing that Tricia was not necessarily looking forward to having Matty starting school. “And a great way for you to enjoy Matty’s company would we to meet Walker and I at the park.”

Tricia laughed. “Ok I surrender.”

“Wear a bathing suit.”

“Are you out of your mind?” Tricia asked. “The lake must be freezing.”

“But the sun is warm and I for one look like I’ve been stuck inside during a long cold winter. It’s time we got some sun girl.” Kerrie said.

“Didn’t your doctor ever tell you that’s bad for you?” Tricia said half jokingly.

“The way I see it I have two choices. I can die from the sun and become a ghost or I can stay looking like I do know and I already look like a ghost I’m so pale. I’ll take my chances. Bring sunscreen if you’re worried but I want company sunbathing.”

Tricia gave in to the inevitable. It was usually hard for her to turn Kerrie down at times like this. She was usually right and Tricia knew she was this time as well. When she went to tell Matty he was quietly coloring on the sun porch. His excited reaction when she asked if he wanted to go to the park with Walker was all she needed to know that Kerrie was right again.

A short time later the boys were happily playing on the playground equipment  along with a horde of other children and Tricia and Kerrie had staked out spots where they could keep an eye on the boys but were far enough from the noise to be able to talk without shouting.

“You’re looking good girl,” Kerrie told her.

Tricia had debated which bathing suit to wear and had finally opted for her bikini. She had decided if she was going to get a tan she wanted to get as much of one as she could.

“You are too but then you always do. It must be nice to be naturally skinny and always able to wear a bikini.”

“Scrawny is a more apt description I think. I would kill for real breasts. You look good in that bikini. I don’t think I saw you in it all last summer though. Why not?”

“Because I looked like a cow.” Tricia said. “I worked hard to lose a little weight and I got back to walking. It works good walking while Matty rides his bike with me. It’s good for both of us and he gets exercise while thinking it’s fun. Hell even I think it’s fun most of the time.”

“Well you look good now, but you always did. You worry too much.” Kerrie said. “Now tell me what the problem is that everybody says you should get over.”

Tricia sighed. She’d known Kerrie wasn’t going to let it go.

“Same old shit really,” Tricia said. “For a few days after I got back, maybe a whole week Matt was just the way I would like him to be. He got home from work at a reasonable hour and spent time with both me and Matty. He was involved with Matty and also with me after Matty’s bed time if you get my drift.”

“I get your drift, you were getting some regularly,” Kerrie said with a smile which then faded. “And now you’re not? Is that it?”

“Well in part. Hell it’s been a week now. He’s back to coming home late and saying he’s too tired, telling me it’s all I think about.” Tricia said. “he used to like that.”

Kerrie nodded. “He likes it when you want it all the time as long as he does but if he has other plans or doesn’t want to be bothered then you’re a nympho.”

“Exactly.” Tricia said. “And I could probably live with that. Hell I was for a while with just a toy or two and the shower massage and now I’ve got the hot tub. Sometimes that’s better than a guy anyway.”

“Toys you know I approve of since we’ve been to the Adult toy store together, even if it did embarrass the hell out of me. I understand the shower massage. But how is a hot tub better than a guy?”

Tricia grinned, knowing she was about to get Kerrie blushing. “Well you have to go in naked, that’s the best way anyway as long as little prying eyes are asleep, then you arrange yourself just so and the jets will work wonders.”

“Oh,” Kerrie said sounding a tad embarrassed but disappointing Tricia by not blushing. “Well if you ever want me to house sit while you all are gone let me know. I’ll try out your hot tub. You know now I’m not going to be able to go in it with you all without thinking about that and blushing. That was not fair.”

“You asked,” Tricia pointed out.

“Well, to get back to a safer subject, for me anyway, if Matt was more attentive when you’d been gone a while on your trip maybe you should do it again soon.”

“I would like to, at least sort of.”

“Why just sort of? It sounded to me like you had a wonderful time.”

Tricia had told Kerrie all about the trip but had left out the parts about Jaime and Rick.

“I had a great time and I did so much better than I thought I would. The thing is I feel bad leaving Matty.”

“Poor kid,” Kerrie said. “He was so deprived. You left him with your nasty mean parents who spent the whole time entertaining the hell out of him.”

Tricia laughed. “Ok. He was not deprived. Hell I’m still shocked at the way he and my dad got along. Or really I’m surprised that Dad was like that. I wish he’d been more like that when Andy and I were growing up.”

“Maybe he knows he could have been better why you were growing up and is trying to make up for that with theone grandchild he gets to see. Who knows maybe you can get him and your brother to reconcile, then he can see his other grandchildren.”

“I’d love it but I’ve been afraid to bring it up.” Tricia admitted. “It was good to see Dad with Matty though. Hell it’s how I wish Matt would be with him. It sounds like he did spent some time with Matty while they were building the sun porch. Matty has talked about it a lot. I think he’s confused at why he doesn’t get to do that kind of thing anymore. Sometimes I’m even afraid he’s going to think that as long as I’m around his Dad is always going to ignore him.”

“That’s silly Tricia.”

“Is it?” Tricia asked. “I wonder. When I wasn’t here Matt did spent some time with Matty, some good Dad type time. Now I’m back and he doesn’t have time for him. He doesn’t have time for me either so I know how Matty feels but I’m old enough to accept it a bit better I think. Hell Matt is the one who wanted kids. I’ve told you that.”

Kerrie nodded. “Yeah but I know you’re glad you did it.”

“Hell yes I am. I admit I was stupid. Matty is the greatest. I could even get over being ignored by Matt because he was spending time with Matty. I could handle playing second fiddle to Matty. I just hate to play second fiddle to Matt’s job, if that’s what I’m really playing second fiddle to.”

“What does that mean?” Kerrie asked.

“You know better than me,” Tricia said, “you’re the one who’s first husband was like that.”

As they’d gotten to know each other, in part because their kids were the same age, Kerrie had told Tricia about her first husband. He’d been a police officer in Chicago where they lived at the time. Kerrie never referred to him as her Ex but rather as “the father of my oldest son,” or “the dickhead” if she was among friends. Apparently things had started off well but then her husband began to have affairs. They became quite blatant and Kerrie had been about to divorce him when he’d been arrested for having an sex with an underage runaway. That had been the last straw for Kerrie who had divorced him as quickly as she could, in the process getting sole custody of Jason, the son they’d had together.

“So you think Matt is having an affair and that is why he’s working late and isn’t interested in sex?” Kerrie asked.

Tricia shrugged. “I don’t have any evidence but you have to admit it makes sense. Mary Beth says she doesn’t think so. My mom says the same thing. My dad as much as told me I’m trying to justify what I did with Jaime eight years ago.”

“I don’t know what to say Tricia,” Kerrie said quietly. “I hope you’re wrong.”

“But you don’t think I am?” Tricia said, reading Kerrie’s expression.

Kerrie shrugged. “I don’t know. I admit that I thought of that when you were talking about the way he’s acting. I thought about it before this. I wasn’t going to bring it up. After what the Dickhead did to me I am more than a little paranoid. I see shadows just about everywhere. Don is a saint to put up with me. I never ask him to but I know he is always careful to leave me no room to doubt. Most guys would not do that.”

“Well silly that’s why you married him. He loves you and takes time to understand you and know what you want and need and he gives it to you. If you ever get tired of him let me know.” Tricia said.

Kerrie laughed. “Don’t hold your breath. I’m sorry Matt is the way he is but for what it’s worth he’s head and shoulders above the Dickhead.”

Tricia sighed. “Well hell at least if he’s doing it he’s discreet. It’s not like you where all your friends knew.”

“Knew? Half of them were screwing his brains out.” Kerrie snorted.

“Sorry, I shouldn’t have brought it up.”

Kerrie waved it off. “it was ten years ago. I just hate being paranoid about it and I wonder if I shouldn’t be talking to you about Matt because I’m liable to make you see ghosts where none exist.”

“But maybe they do exist.”

“Have you tried asking him?” Kerrie asked.

“Oh yeah,” Tricia said sarcastically, “Then he will just throw Jaime in my face.”

“Well throw him right back damn it!” Kerrie said heatedly. “point out that if you’d been getting what you’d been telling him you wanted and needed and had every right to expect from a spouse then Jaime never would have happened. I was giving the Dickhead everything and still the asshole wanted more. You’re not like that. You had a need and you met it.”

“You know,” Tricia mused, “It still boggles my mind that you, of all my friends, understand about Jaime like you do. It seems to me you’d be the one to condemn me the easiest.”

“We’ve been through that. I told you my story. I told you how I was when I found out about him and some of the things I did. You’ll never in a million years hold a candle to any of that.”

Tricia felt herself coming close to blushing remembering just a few of the things Kerrie had told her and remembered how she marveled that somebody who was basically shy about sex could have done them.

She felt herself debating about telling Kerrie more about the trip, telling her about Jaime and Rick. She was saved for the moment when the kids came running up complaining about wanting lunch.

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